You Are My Sunshine

Sometimes I feel like I made it all up.

When I look back on my childhood, it feels impossible that I lived through it all. I start to wonder if I’m exaggerating or just looking for attention. I try to imagine what it would be like if adult me met little me —would I listen to her or dismiss her? 

I try to go back there. 

The first image that comes to mind is me standing on the playground on a sunny day, staring at the big school building and feeling stuck. I don’t want to go home because home doesn’t feel safe. My room, hidden under my covers, can be okay sometimes, but everything there is unpredictable.

Inside that school, things aren’t much easier. People don’t like me. I never understand what’s going on. I get bored easily and forget to pay attention. Part of me feels like I know everything, and part of me feels like I know nothing at all.

 When it’s cold, I hate recess, but not as much as I hate sitting still in class or the fear and unpredictability that waits for me at home. So when the sun shines, I hold on to the warmth and let myself breathe. All I really want is to swing.

I sit on the swing and sing “You Are My Sunshine” over and over at the top of my lungs, hoping one day someone will be my sunshine. Also, literally, I didn’t want anyone to take that sunshine away. The sun was the only thing that felt safe. Whether I was on the playground, at my grandparents’ lake, or sitting on the cracked sidewalk in my backyard, I always looked to the sun for warmth and comfort.

I could only hope that one day, I’d find a love that felt like the sun. Warm, comforting, and mostly consistent.

I was five years old, a hopeless romantic already dreaming that someone would save me.

And they did.

But that someone wasn’t a prince or a rescuer.
That someone was me.

Now, when I go back to that place and push that little girl on the swing, I give her a hug and I tell her I believe her and that yes, one day it will all be ok. 

Dating After Abuse: What It’s Like as a Single Mom

Dating After Abuse: What It’s Like as a Single Mom

I thought I’d be able to keep my dating life separate from my kids. That was the plan — a neat, responsible plan.

Let them meet him briefly to make sure the energy was good, but not let them get attached. I wanted time to really know if he was safe before letting him become part of our world.

Then life happened.

My youngest son’s dad started drinking again. He refused community visits  or any other compromises. Financial retaliation followed. Suddenly, I was parenting through chaos again — and trying to build something new at the same time.

The truth is: when you’re a single parent who’s also a survivor, you don’t get to date in a vacuum. You’re parenting through trauma, logistics, and safety concerns all at once.

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When the Abuse Doesn’t End After You Leave

Leaving an abusive partner doesn’t end the abuse. It just changes shape — through money, communication, or the children.

So when people say, “Wait until things calm down before you date,” I almost laugh. For some of us, “calm” is a luxury we don’t get.

Dating after abuse means living in two realities at once: trying to heal and protect your kids while learning to trust someone new. It’s exhausting. It’s also brave.

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What Healthy Love Feels Like (When You’ve Never Had It)

I’m in the early stages of a healthy relationship for the first time in my life. There’s no walking on eggshells, no bargaining with my own peace. He’s kind, patient, and consistent — and that feels foreign but good.

I used to think “no one will ever meet my standards.” Now I realize my standards were never too high. They were just waiting for someone healthy.

And yes — I hate modern dating. Out of all the messages and endless conversations, only two people actually invited me out. One of them stuck. I did ask out a few people myself and got myself ghosted as well. 

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Parenting While Dating: Letting Your Kids Lead

Parenting while dating is complicated, especially with a range of ages. It’s not about keeping kids completely separate — it’s about letting them guide the pace and the depth of involvement.

Research from the American Psychological Association suggests that children adjust best when new partners are introduced slowly and predictably, and when parents maintain consistent attention and structure in daily life (American Psychological Association, 2022).

Here’s what that looks like for me:

• Monday dinners: My boyfriend joins us once a week. Everyone sits down together, but outside of that, how much they want to engage with him is their choice.
• Individual time: I schedule separate time with each child — teenagers on Tuesdays (we’re currently watching Hazbin Hotel or The Amazing Digital Circus), and nightly check-ins with my 7- and 10-year-olds for 15–20 minutes before bed.
• Weekends: I focus more on the younger ones, since my teens are usually busy with friends or work.

Maintaining one-on-one time makes it clear: no one is being replaced.

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How My Kids See Him

They’re still getting to know him, and honestly, it’s going better than I expected.

My 10-year-old loves hovering over him while he fixes things. He said the other day, “He’s the coolest because he knows how to fix the washing machine!”

My 14-year-old asks if he can come over to watch movies,  because she can't believe his lack in disney movie exposure. 

My kids know better than to rush attachment. They’ve already experienced one step-parent loss, and we’ve worked hard to reframe that — not as abandonment, but as resilience.

Instead of anger — “how dare he leave us?” — we practiced acceptance: “we were strong before, and we’re strong now.” That experience has shaped how we approach this new relationship: hopeful, but realistic.

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Protecting Your Child — and Yourself

If you’re dating as a survivor and parent:

• Go slow, but stay real. Talk about morals, goals, and parenting philosophy early.
• Check your list. Write down what matters most — respect, honesty, emotional safety — and review it regularly. Make sure you have a deal breaker list and stick to it. 
• Keep your supports. Don’t stop therapy, friends, or family time. You still need your own grounding system.
• Be transparent, not overloaded. Give your kids enough information to feel safe, but not so much that they carry your adult emotions.
• Let your kids set their comfort level. You control structure; they control closeness. That balance builds trust.

According to a 2021 National Institutes of Health study on post-divorce adjustment, children thrive most when they feel both parental stability and autonomy — the same balance that applies when introducing a new partner.

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Final Thoughts

Dating as a single mom after abuse isn’t about “moving on.” It’s about rebuilding a life that feels safe enough for love.

You can love your kids and still want connection. You can protect your peace and still open your heart. You can build safety and still believe in love.

Your past doesn’t make you unlovable — it makes you wise.

References:
1. American Psychological Association. (2022). Introducing a New Partner to Your Children.
2. National Institutes of Health. (2021). Parent–Child Relationships and Post-Divorce Adjustment: Evidence-Based Guidance.

More Than Chemistry: The Seven Types of Attraction and Connection

More Than Chemistry: The Seven Types of Attraction and Connection

By Tashena Holmes | Mi’kmaq Writer & Peer Advocate

When we talk about attraction, most people think about physical chemistry or romantic feelings. But that’s just one small piece of how we form connections.

In both Avalonian/Celtic and Indigenous teachings, certain numbers are sacred. Seven is one of them. Seven sacred laws. Seven veils. Seven levels of being. These ideas help us understand how relationships form, deepen, and either flourish or fade.

This list of seven types of attraction and connection is adapted from oral traditions I’ve learned while following Avalonian and Celtic Pagan paths. I believe these teachings are deeply relevant to Indigenous culture too, especially when we look at the Seven Sacred Teachings of love, respect, courage, honesty, wisdom, humility, and truth. These teachings invite us to reflect on the way we show up in relationships: not just what we feel, but how we build something meaningful.

The 7 Types of Attraction and Connection

1. Physical Connection:
Being drawn to someone’s physical presence. This includes how they look, smell, move, or the energy they carry. It’s not necessarily sexual. It can just mean you feel comfortable in their space or you’re naturally drawn to their body language and expression.

2. Sexual Connection:
This involves desire and erotic chemistry. You might feel aroused or want sexual intimacy with this person. Not everyone experiences this kind of attraction (and that’s valid), but it’s important to know whether it’s mutual, respectful, and safe.

3. Romantic Connection:
This is about wanting to build something special. It’s the fluttery feelings, the longing to be close, the daydreams of being “chosen” by someone. Romantic attraction is emotional and often idealistic. It wants connection, exclusivity, or partnership, even if it's not always sexual.

4. Platonic Connection:
Friendship energy. Deep companionship, loyalty, emotional trust, and shared joy. These are your best friends, your soul siblings, the people who show up for you without needing anything back. It’s powerful love that isn’t romantic or sexual, but is just as real.

5. Familial Connection:
This is the feeling of “home” — safety, comfort, and protectiveness. Sometimes it’s rooted in blood family, but often it comes from chosen family. You might feel this with someone who plays a sibling, elder, or parent-like role. It often builds through shared care and time.

6. Spiritual Connection:
This is where belief systems and soul resonance meet. You may share a religion, spiritual path, or worldview, or simply feel like your values align in a way that matters deeply. This kind of connection often comes with a sense of fate or shared purpose. It can be mystical, grounding, or both. It’s hard to build with someone whose core beliefs oppose yours, so this bond matters more than we often realize.

7. Intellectual or Creative Connection:
This is when you connect through ideas, conversation, inspiration, or shared passions. It might feel like mental fireworks or quiet curiosity. You want to build something together: a playlist, a business, a dream, or just a really good conversation that goes late into the night.

You Don’t Need All Seven… But They Can Be Built

Most relationships start with one or two of these. That’s okay. You might meet someone and only feel a platonic or intellectual spark, or feel immediate sexual chemistry without much else.

But here’s the truth: attraction can evolve into connection, and connection can deepen over time. You can build missing layers if you tend to the bond with care and intention.

A few examples:

• If romantic feelings are missing, sometimes building emotional safety and shared values can help that love grow.
• If there’s no creative spark, try making something together: art, music, or even a shared goal.
• If your beliefs feel different, explore whether your values still align beneath the surface.
• If sexual chemistry feels off, focus on trust and communication. Sometimes desire grows with vulnerability.

The more types of connection you share, the more layered, flexible, and resilient your relationship becomes.

Why This Matters in Dating and Friendship

When we only focus on one kind of connection — especially sexual or romantic — we risk forming shallow bonds that fizzle out or become unhealthy.

But when we build relationships across multiple types of connection, we’re more likely to experience real intimacy, mutual growth, and lasting companionship. These are the relationships where we feel seen, held, and supported in more than just one area of our life.

And not everyone is meant to be everything to us. Some people are meant to be spiritual mirrors. Some are meant to be playmates. Some are soul-level family. That doesn’t make the connection less. It just makes it honest.

Final Thoughts

These reflections come from oral teachings passed through community. They live in the hearts of queer communities, Pagan circles, Indigenous storykeepers, and anyone who believes in connection as sacred.

I believe they reflect the wisdom of the Seven Sacred Teachings, and can help us reimagine what relationships — romantic, platonic, spiritual, and familial — can look like when built with intention.

So when you feel a pull toward someone, ask yourself:

• What kind of attraction or connection is this?
• What does this bond need to grow?
• And how can I show up in a way that honors us both?

Because real connection isn’t just something we fall into. It’s something we build.

Why I’ll Never Shrink Again: Love, Loss, and Reclaiming My Identity

Why I’ll Never Shrink Again: Love, Loss, and Reclaiming My Identity

I know some people know that I was contemplating a relationship with Nick again. We were dating a little bit. Thankfully, I didn’t really get too attached again, but the idea of having my family back was too hard not to consider at least.

However, I now know that it will never work. Love just really isn’t enough.

It took me a long time to understand that. You can love someone and still be wrong for them. You can love someone and still hurt them. You can love someone and still not be able—or willing—to grow. And if they’re not willing to grow with you? Love becomes a leash. Not a bond.

I’ve learned that love without accountability becomes a trap.

You can’t keep building trust on words alone. You can’t promise change and then disappear when it’s hard. You can’t say “I love you” and never ask what that looks like for the person you claim to love.

You shouldn’t have to shrink to be loved.

And honestly? That’s the line that hits the hardest for me. Because even after everything—after the cheating, the ghosting, the broken promises—the biggest red flag wasn’t one of those events. It was the slow disappearance of me.

After I finally started to recover from our relationship… after I started to remember who I was again… getting back together felt like losing all of that progress. My kids are sick of seeing me cry. No matter how much I tried to hide it, there are a lot of people in this apartment, and the walls aren’t exactly soundproof.

I’ve spent 17 years of my life sacrificing myself and who I am because I thought that’s what love meant. I really believed that if you loved someone, you gave them everything. You put yourself second. You held it all together. You made it work, even when it hurt.

But the truth is, I only got frustrated when no one did it for me. And now I realize—I don’t want anyone to sacrifice themselves for me. I never have. So why would I allow others to expect that from me?

Maybe it’s never too late to reclaim your identity. Maybe breaking a cycle starts with saying: “I don’t have to keep bleeding to prove that I love someone.”

Switching from traditional talk therapy—which honestly, I hated—to family systems work helped a lot. That was the first time someone told me that staying in unhealthy relationships is a form of self-harm. That it ripples through every part of my life: my parenting, my work, my health, my joy.

And yes, a LOT of DBT. 🤣

I’m not saying I’m healed. I’m saying I’m healing. And I’m saying my kids will never again see me disappear for love.

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Talking to Your Kids About Relationships

If you’re dating—or thinking about dating again—ask yourself: what are your kids learning from your relationships?

• Do they see you being respected and safe?
• Do they see you apologize when you hurt someone?
• Do they see you choose yourself, too?

Some gentle questions you can explore with your kids (age-appropriate, of course):

• What do you think makes a relationship healthy?
• How do you know when someone loves you?
• What’s something you would never want someone you love to go through?
• Do you think adults can still grow and change?
• Is it okay to leave a relationship that hurts you, even if you still love them?

The one thing that always keeps me grounded is looking at my kids. Sometimes, when I feel like sacrificing myself for someone else, I remember: I would never want my children to do that. Not for me. Not for anyone.

If not for me… then for them. Because they’re always watching. And I want them to learn that love is supposed to feel safe.

Blog Title: Supporting Your Child Through Body Shame While Building Healthy Habits

Supporting Your Child Through Body Shame While Building Healthy Habits

I want to talk about something that hits home for a lot of us, especially those of us who were told we were "too big" growing up. Maybe you were teased in gym class. Maybe you started dieting way too young. Maybe no matter what size you were, it never felt like you were enough. And now you're parenting a child who's starting to say things like, "I'm fat," or hiding in their room after being picked on at school.

It's heartbreaking. And it can bring up a lot of feelings.

As parents, we want our kids to feel proud of who they are. We want them to be healthy. But sometimes, it's hard to figure out where one ends and the other begins. How do we promote health without feeding shame? How do we help them move their bodies without making it feel like punishment? How do we protect their confidence in a world that seems determined to tear it down?

Here's what I've learned from other parents, from peer advocates, and from my own journey.

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1. Separate Health from Appearance

We have to stop using weight as the main sign of health. Thin doesn't mean healthy. Fat doesn't mean unhealthy. Instead, ask things like:

• Do you feel energized after you eat?
• Can you play, climb, and move in a way that feels good?
• Are you sleeping okay?

These are the markers that matter. Remind your child that health comes in lots of body types, and that no one owes the world thinness to be worthy of love, safety, or fun.

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2. Create a Judgment-Free Zone Around Food

If your child has ADHD or autism, food might already be a battle zone. Impulsivity, sensory sensitivities, and emotional regulation struggles can make eating tricky. The goal is to take the pressure off.

• Keep balanced foods where they’re easy to grab.
• Make a family rule that no one comments on anyone else’s portion or plate.
• Avoid labeling foods as "bad." Instead say: "Some foods help our body grow, some give us quick energy, some just taste good."
• Make a house rule to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full.
• If you have a child who eats really fast, you can make reminders or rules to take sips of water in between each bite or make sure they put their fork down so their brain has time to process the food and recognize fullness. (These are tips from my personal child nutritionist.)

The key is to build a relationship with food that's about trust and listening, not fear.

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3. Focus on Joyful Movement, Not Exercise

Instead of saying, "You need to get outside," try:

• "Want to play music and dance with me?"
• "Let’s race to the end of the block."
• "Can you stretch like a cat? Show me!"
• "Why don't you walk to your friend’s house or ride your bike?"

Let movement be silly, social, or creative. Even if your child resists structure, they may still enjoy moving if it's on their terms. Especially for kids who are isolating, movement needs to feel safe and enjoyable before it becomes routine.

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4. Address Bullying and Inner Critic Thoughts Directly

When kids are teased for their bodies, they often internalize it and start to believe it's their fault. As parents, we can help them rewrite that narrative.

"What those kids said was cruel and wrong. Your body is not the problem. Their behavior is."

And if they say, "I feel fat":

"Can you tell me what that means to you? Are you feeling uncomfortable, sad, left out, tired?"

This opens the door for real emotional expression, not just surface-level body talk.

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5. Be a Mirror, Not a Magnifier

Kids learn how to treat their bodies by watching us.

• Do you call yourself names in the mirror?
• Do you refuse to eat in front of people?
• Do you talk about your weight constantly?

You don’t have to be perfect. Just practice saying out loud:

• "I’m learning to be kind to my body."
• "All bodies are good bodies."
• "My body helps me do amazing things."

Even if you’re faking it some days, it matters.

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6. Set Loving Boundaries Around Habits

You can still create structure without linking it to size or worth.

• "We play outside before screen time because our brains focus better."
• "We keep snacks in the kitchen so we don’t graze all night and get a tummy ache."
• "We move our bodies every day—not to shrink them, but to take care of them."
• Limit screen time: if you limit the amount of time your child is sitting on devices, they’re more likely to want to get up and move. It’s recommended to limit screen time to two hours per day, but even if you break it into two hours in the afternoon and two hours at night, it’s still progress. You can create screen-free blocks or screen-time blocks—work with what’s best for your family.

It’s not about control. It’s about consistency, modeling, and compassion.

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Final Thoughts

Your child doesn’t need a diet. They need safety, structure, and self-love.

They need to know they are already enough.

And if you’re still healing your own body image wounds? That’s okay too. You don’t have to have it all figured out to show up with love. Sometimes, just sitting next to them and saying, "Me too," is the most powerful thing you can do.

Let’s raise kids who trust their bodies, listen to their needs, and move through the world like they belong.
Because they do.

We Were Meant to Be Villages

We Were Meant to Be Villages

I haven’t been able to write much lately.

Not because I don’t have ideas, parenting tips, or unfinished drafts staring at me from every folder, but because my heart is heavy. Heavy with the images coming out of Gaza. Heavy with the news from our own borders. Heavy with the stories of children ripped from their mothers, whether in Palestine or Texas or a foster care office down the street.

How do you write about sibling cooperation or bedtime routines when children are starving? When families are being displaced, detained, erased?

Sometimes I feel paralyzed. Sometimes I feel helpless. And sometimes, I feel guilty for having the luxury of a quiet moment at all.

But what I keep coming back to is this: this isn’t new. What’s happening across the world follows the exact blueprint that colonization has used for centuries—invade, extract, destroy, and then blame the survivors for trying to escape.

Indigenous peoples have always been the target. And when they are displaced, those displaced become the next target. It’s like colonizers burn your house down, then hate you for being homeless.

And no, I don’t think I’m imagining it. There’s a pattern. There’s a poison. Call it empire, call it whiteness, call it supremacy. It morphs, it spreads, and it never stays in one place. What started as British imperialism didn’t die—it just changed outfits.

We were not meant to live like this.

• We were not meant to scroll through suffering like headlines.
• We were not meant to live in systems where a few control the many.
• We were not meant to be this disconnected from one another, from the land, from meaning.

We were meant to be villages.
To live in small communities that care for their children, that care for the land, and that protect each other.

And I know Indigenous communities aren’t perfect. We’ve been hurt too, we’ve hurt each other too. But the root of most of that harm traces back to what was taken from us. The land. The languages. The freedom to raise our children in peace.

I don’t know how to fix the world. I really don’t.

However, I know that the path forward isn’t in deploying more drones, fences, or policies. It’s in the old ways. The ways that teach relationship and responsibility. The ways that teach community care, not control.

Currently, I don’t have a significant call to action. I just have this:
If you’re feeling heavy, it means your heart is still working.
If you’re still crying, it means you haven’t gone numb.
And if you’re trying to parent with love in a world full of violence, you’re part of the resistance.

P.S. This poem has been on my mind lately. 

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DKsREauI2NF/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Is My Child Ready to Walk Alone?

 Is My Child Ready to Walk Alone?

Why It Matters

Walking alone isn’t just about getting from one place to another—it’s a milestone.

When a child walks through their neighborhood, they’re not just learning safety—they're building confidence, independence, and connection. They begin to understand their place in the world. They become part of a community.
Letting kids explore builds:

• Trust in themselves
• A sense of autonomy
• Stronger neighborhood ties

Let’s raise a generation that’s safe, seen, and supported.

Start With Your Environment

Checklist Style Box:

• Is there a sidewalk or safe place to walk?
• Is traffic predictable and slow enough for a child to cross safely?
• Are there nearby public places (library, shop, neighbor's house)?
• Are there trustworthy adults your child could go to if needed?

🚦Note: In areas with high crime or known safety concerns, even older children should walk with a buddy. In these environments, supervision—or staggered independence—is key.

Is Your Child Ready?

• Follows directions and household rules
• Knows how to ask for help
• Knows full name, address, and your phone number
• Understands what to do if approached by a stranger
• Can handle unexpected challenges (wrong turn, unexpected detour)

The Buddy System is a Lifeline
The #1 tip for safety is don’t walk alone.
Children should be walking in pairs or small groups:

• Are less likely to be approached by strangers
• Are better able to stay safe and make decisions
• Feel more confident navigating their environment
  Even teens benefit from the buddy system, especially in less familiar or higher-risk areas.

Know the Rules for you (and the Risks)

Bullet Points Box:

• Laws vary—some towns set minimum ages for walking alone.
• Research your town’s expectations or bylaws
• In rural areas, fewer people nearby means less chance of help
• In high-crime areas, assess the safest paths and times of day
• Teach your child safe spaces and “no-go” zones

Set Clear Rules & Guidelines
Freedom without structure leads to confusion. Freedom with structure builds trust.

Before your child walks alone, create an agreement together. Clear, simple rules give your child confidence and help you stay connected.

📋 Ideas for House Rules:

• Stick to pre-approved routes only
• No detours without texting or calling for permission
• Walk during daylight hours only (unless pre-arranged)
• Check in before leaving and once they’ve arrived
• If something feels off—go back, call, or knock on a safe door
• Always walk with a buddy when possible
• Keep phone/watch on and charged

🧠 Tip: Revisit these rules regularly as your child grows. What works for a 9-year-old won’t be the same for a 13-year-old.

Let’s Normalize Kids Outside Again

Inspiration Box or Pull Quote Format:
We grew up playing outside. Today, many kids don’t. Let’s bring that back—safely.

• Let your child take small steps toward freedom
• Build a neighborhood where children are visible, known, and looked out for
• Practice walking together first, then fade your presence

Raising confident kids means learning to let go, little by little.

Safety & Cell Phones
Technology isn’t a substitute for parenting—but it is a tool.

If your child is old enough to walk alone, they’re likely old enough to carry a safety device like a phone or smart watch. Make this part of the safety conversation.

💡 Here’s how to use tech to keep your child safe:

• Use Parenting Controls: Family Link, Bark, Quisido 
• Keep location sharing on. Use apps like the parent controls or others Life360, Family Link, or Find My iPhone to check in when needed.
• Talk about responsibility. Let them know that walking alone is a privilege—and that means the phone stays on, charged, and answered.
• Set expectations. Decide together when to check in ("text me when you get there") or share live location for solo walks.
• Consider wearable options. For younger kids, devices like Gizmo Watch, or Angel Sense offer tracking without full phone access.
• 💵 Greenlight or parental banking apps can help older kids manage small purchases or bus fares safely if needed and apps like Green Light also double as a Family Safety Tracker.

The goal isn’t control—it’s connection. Phones are just one more way to build trust and help your child learn how to navigate the world with support.

Closing Section: How to Get Started

Call-to-Action Box:

• Start by walking the route together
• Talk through “what if” scenarios in a calm, supportive way
• Check in before and after every walk
• Encourage independence gradually
• Celebrate the little wins

Coming Soon: Bike Safety 101

A follow-up guide to help your child navigate even farther, safely.