When You Start Questioning Everything
Originally written September 10, 2012 | Updated for new blog
Reflection: This entry was hard to revisit—but necessary. I wrote it during a time when I felt emotionally stuck and deeply conflicted. Sometimes the hardest thing isn’t what someone says or does—it’s how much space it takes up in your heart and your head afterward. I wanted to understand, to communicate, to connect, but I kept finding myself in a place where I had to either stuff down my truth or risk being met with anger. It’s exhausting. And I’m learning that when you constantly silence yourself for someone else's comfort, you eventually lose pieces of yourself.
Lately, I’ve found myself avoiding writing—not because I don’t have things to say, but because I’ve been afraid of certain people reading my thoughts. It’s a terrible feeling to want to express yourself, but feel unsafe doing it.
For so long, I’ve been the one to “keep the peace” in the relationship. To minimize my feelings, brush off frustrations, and make things work—no matter how heavy it gets.
Yesterday, I asked Mat about his fantasies. I was curious—not judging, just wondering. He shared some things I already knew... and then some things I wish I didn’t. He admitted to imagining being with other people, including people close to me, and even scenarios where he’s hiding it from me. That hurt. And I know everyone thinks about other people sometimes—that’s human. But what really got me was that he told me he’d be angry if I did the same.
So I lied. I said I don’t think about other people. Because I didn’t want a fight. Because I didn’t want him mad at me. But the truth is—I’ve had past partners. I have memories. And I’ve wondered, “What if?” Not because I want to leave, but because I’m human, too.
What’s worse is that now I’m wondering if I’m not enough. Or if I’m being unfair. Or if I should try to make his fantasies feel safe to talk about—like roleplay or some creative approach. But I doubt he’d want that. It’s like he wants to imagine being unfaithful without actually processing what that means for me.
On top of that, we’ve been clashing lately. He says I don’t listen. He’s frustrated that I didn’t respond to a warning about the picnic table, and again when I was helping with the piñata at a party. But it wasn’t that I wasn’t listening—I was already doing something, thinking ahead, and just overwhelmed. And being yelled at in front of others doesn’t exactly help things.
I apologized. Over and over. And it still wasn’t enough. He stayed upset, and I stayed confused. It wasn’t about the table or the piñata—it was about how we communicate. I’m realizing that how someone delivers feedback matters. Yelling doesn’t work for me. I don’t yell at him. Why should I be spoken to like a child?
This all has me questioning everything. I know I originally stayed for Andrew, but over time I thought it became more than that. I’ve spent much of my life running from love, pushing it away, because losing people hurts too much. But I don’t want to live like that anymore.
So I’m making a decision. First: I want to stop hiding what matters to me. I want to go out. To a concert, a club, a rave—something that brings me joy and reminds me who I am. I miss that version of myself. I want to share that feeling with someone I love. I know if we plan carefully, we can make it happen. And if he won’t go—if he can’t show up for me in that way—then maybe he’s not all-in anymore.
I’m tired of convincing myself to need less, want less, expect less. I want more. And I deserve more.
Closing Reflection: Writing this helped me find clarity I didn’t have in the moment. Relationships are complicated. Especially when you’re doing your best to hold space for someone else while also trying not to disappear. I still believe in love. But I also believe in being heard. If you’ve ever been in a place where you question whether your needs matter—this is your reminder: they do. You matter. Your joy matters.
Tags: Relationship Reflections, Emotional Boundaries, Communication Struggles, Honest Journaling, Self-Advocacy, Mental Health, Finding Yourself, Healing and Growth, Love and Limits
