You Are My Sunshine

Sometimes I feel like I made it all up.

When I look back on my childhood, it feels impossible that I lived through it all. I start to wonder if I’m exaggerating or just looking for attention. I try to imagine what it would be like if adult me met little me —would I listen to her or dismiss her? 

I try to go back there. 

The first image that comes to mind is me standing on the playground on a sunny day, staring at the big school building and feeling stuck. I don’t want to go home because home doesn’t feel safe. My room, hidden under my covers, can be okay sometimes, but everything there is unpredictable.

Inside that school, things aren’t much easier. People don’t like me. I never understand what’s going on. I get bored easily and forget to pay attention. Part of me feels like I know everything, and part of me feels like I know nothing at all.

 When it’s cold, I hate recess, but not as much as I hate sitting still in class or the fear and unpredictability that waits for me at home. So when the sun shines, I hold on to the warmth and let myself breathe. All I really want is to swing.

I sit on the swing and sing “You Are My Sunshine” over and over at the top of my lungs, hoping one day someone will be my sunshine. Also, literally, I didn’t want anyone to take that sunshine away. The sun was the only thing that felt safe. Whether I was on the playground, at my grandparents’ lake, or sitting on the cracked sidewalk in my backyard, I always looked to the sun for warmth and comfort.

I could only hope that one day, I’d find a love that felt like the sun. Warm, comforting, and mostly consistent.

I was five years old, a hopeless romantic already dreaming that someone would save me.

And they did.

But that someone wasn’t a prince or a rescuer.
That someone was me.

Now, when I go back to that place and push that little girl on the swing, I give her a hug and I tell her I believe her and that yes, one day it will all be ok. 

Dating After Abuse: What It’s Like as a Single Mom

Dating After Abuse: What It’s Like as a Single Mom

I thought I’d be able to keep my dating life separate from my kids. That was the plan — a neat, responsible plan.

Let them meet him briefly to make sure the energy was good, but not let them get attached. I wanted time to really know if he was safe before letting him become part of our world.

Then life happened.

My youngest son’s dad started drinking again. He refused community visits  or any other compromises. Financial retaliation followed. Suddenly, I was parenting through chaos again — and trying to build something new at the same time.

The truth is: when you’re a single parent who’s also a survivor, you don’t get to date in a vacuum. You’re parenting through trauma, logistics, and safety concerns all at once.

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When the Abuse Doesn’t End After You Leave

Leaving an abusive partner doesn’t end the abuse. It just changes shape — through money, communication, or the children.

So when people say, “Wait until things calm down before you date,” I almost laugh. For some of us, “calm” is a luxury we don’t get.

Dating after abuse means living in two realities at once: trying to heal and protect your kids while learning to trust someone new. It’s exhausting. It’s also brave.

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What Healthy Love Feels Like (When You’ve Never Had It)

I’m in the early stages of a healthy relationship for the first time in my life. There’s no walking on eggshells, no bargaining with my own peace. He’s kind, patient, and consistent — and that feels foreign but good.

I used to think “no one will ever meet my standards.” Now I realize my standards were never too high. They were just waiting for someone healthy.

And yes — I hate modern dating. Out of all the messages and endless conversations, only two people actually invited me out. One of them stuck. I did ask out a few people myself and got myself ghosted as well. 

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Parenting While Dating: Letting Your Kids Lead

Parenting while dating is complicated, especially with a range of ages. It’s not about keeping kids completely separate — it’s about letting them guide the pace and the depth of involvement.

Research from the American Psychological Association suggests that children adjust best when new partners are introduced slowly and predictably, and when parents maintain consistent attention and structure in daily life (American Psychological Association, 2022).

Here’s what that looks like for me:

• Monday dinners: My boyfriend joins us once a week. Everyone sits down together, but outside of that, how much they want to engage with him is their choice.
• Individual time: I schedule separate time with each child — teenagers on Tuesdays (we’re currently watching Hazbin Hotel or The Amazing Digital Circus), and nightly check-ins with my 7- and 10-year-olds for 15–20 minutes before bed.
• Weekends: I focus more on the younger ones, since my teens are usually busy with friends or work.

Maintaining one-on-one time makes it clear: no one is being replaced.

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How My Kids See Him

They’re still getting to know him, and honestly, it’s going better than I expected.

My 10-year-old loves hovering over him while he fixes things. He said the other day, “He’s the coolest because he knows how to fix the washing machine!”

My 14-year-old asks if he can come over to watch movies,  because she can't believe his lack in disney movie exposure. 

My kids know better than to rush attachment. They’ve already experienced one step-parent loss, and we’ve worked hard to reframe that — not as abandonment, but as resilience.

Instead of anger — “how dare he leave us?” — we practiced acceptance: “we were strong before, and we’re strong now.” That experience has shaped how we approach this new relationship: hopeful, but realistic.

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Protecting Your Child — and Yourself

If you’re dating as a survivor and parent:

• Go slow, but stay real. Talk about morals, goals, and parenting philosophy early.
• Check your list. Write down what matters most — respect, honesty, emotional safety — and review it regularly. Make sure you have a deal breaker list and stick to it. 
• Keep your supports. Don’t stop therapy, friends, or family time. You still need your own grounding system.
• Be transparent, not overloaded. Give your kids enough information to feel safe, but not so much that they carry your adult emotions.
• Let your kids set their comfort level. You control structure; they control closeness. That balance builds trust.

According to a 2021 National Institutes of Health study on post-divorce adjustment, children thrive most when they feel both parental stability and autonomy — the same balance that applies when introducing a new partner.

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Final Thoughts

Dating as a single mom after abuse isn’t about “moving on.” It’s about rebuilding a life that feels safe enough for love.

You can love your kids and still want connection. You can protect your peace and still open your heart. You can build safety and still believe in love.

Your past doesn’t make you unlovable — it makes you wise.

References:
1. American Psychological Association. (2022). Introducing a New Partner to Your Children.
2. National Institutes of Health. (2021). Parent–Child Relationships and Post-Divorce Adjustment: Evidence-Based Guidance.