Letting Kids Lead
Originally written March 25, 2018 | Updated and expanded in 2024
Reflection: Co-parenting after conflict or separation is never straightforward. Kids don’t just carry memories—they carry energy. They notice tone, control, guilt, and love. They hold so much, even when they don’t speak it aloud. Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of letting kids take the lead in building trust—not forcing relationships, but inviting them gently. When they know they have a choice, they’re more likely to feel safe enough to choose connection.
On this particular day, we gathered all the kids and had a conversation about the Kids Bill of Rights. I love sharing this document with them from time to time—it’s a simple, powerful reminder that they get to decide how they want to be treated. That even though adults are in charge of safety and structure, they still deserve to feel seen, respected, and heard.
After the group talk, Autumn asked to speak to me alone. She shared something that had clearly been on her heart for a while: her mom once told her that she had wanted her dad to leave for two years before he actually did. Autumn explained that her parents were unhappy for a long time, and that her dad only stayed because “he had nowhere else to go.”
I gently followed up. I told her that, from what I knew, her dad stayed as long as he did because of how much he loved her and her sister. That he probably stayed even when it was hard, and eventually left when it wasn’t safe anymore. It’s important to share these kinds of truths with kids—not out of bitterness, but from a place of gentle honesty and reassurance. They don’t need every detail, but they deserve enough information to understand the world around them.
Later that night, as everyone was settling into bedtime, Aurora turned to Nick—while Autumn tried to hush her—and said, “I’m not allowed to hug Tashena.”
She said it quietly, but firmly. “Even though I really want to.”
Nick calmly told her, “It’s okay if you want to.”
And without hesitation, she asked for one. Nick came to get me, and I gave both girls hugs goodnight.
It might sound like a small moment, but it wasn’t. It was everything. That single sentence told us how tightly controlled her emotional world had been—how affection had rules, strings, permissions. She needed to know that she could choose what love and comfort looked like for her.
Why Letting Children Lead Matters
In high-conflict co-parenting situations, it can feel like you’re constantly trying to protect your child—without making them feel caught in the middle. It’s a tough balance. But here’s what I’ve found helps:
- Speak in facts, not fear. When kids ask questions, answer simply and honestly. Avoid blame. Share what’s safe and necessary, and leave space for their feelings to lead the rest.
- Let them decide how to connect. If a child wants space, give it. If they want a hug, offer it. If they want to talk, listen. When we remove pressure, we create possibility.
- Affirm that their body is their own. Even if you’re desperate to reconnect, never force it. Let them know it’s okay to want closeness—and it’s also okay to take their time.
- Model what safe love looks like. Keep showing up. Keep respecting their words. Keep offering presence without demands.
Closing Reflection: That hug at bedtime was more than a hug. It was a reclaiming of power, a moment of self-trust for a child learning what it means to feel safe again. These moments don’t always come easily or often, but when they do—they matter. And when we let kids lead, we’re showing them that they matter, too.
Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce
Adapted from the work of Dr. Robert Emery and endorsed by family advocacy organizations
Every child whose parents divorce has:
- The right to love and be loved by both parents without feeling guilt or disapproval.
- The right to be protected from parents’ anger and conflicts with each other.
- The right to be kept out of the middle of parental disputes, including not being asked to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
- The right not to have to choose one parent over the other.
- The right not to bear the burden of either parent’s emotional problems.
- The right to know well in advance about important changes that will affect their life, such as when a parent is going to move or get remarried.
- The right to reasonable financial support during childhood and through college years.
- The right to have feelings, to express those feelings, and to have both parents listen.
- The right to a life that is as close as possible to what it would have been if the parents stayed together.
- The right to be a kid, free from adult responsibilities and pressures.
Source: Dr. Robert Emery’s Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce
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